I don't know what is coming next.
The metamorphosis has been challenging, I've fallen but I have picked myself up. Not many could undergo what I've gone through, and maintain calm and inner peace. Part of me, the deep and sensitive part, does not know if I'll come through this ok - if I'll be able to fully spread my wings and fly. The coccoon has been stifling, it's been mundane to the point of insanity, it's been hot and cramped and I am yet to see what sort of scars have been inflicted unto my body. At times I have found natural escape in the beauty surrounding me - it is far too easy to neglect the ecstasy that comforts us in this wider world. Cooling off in the waves, dreaming under the summer stars, these have been my get-aways. Now I am to return to the smoke, to the fire. I am returning to truly test my mettle - to see if I can stay strong under an adversity I haven't faced in a long while. I am entering the final third of my current self-disovery and development. It is time to embrace pain, to embrace torn muscles and crushed hearts. One mustn't steer away from fear - one must face it head on. I am going to push myself until I collapse - with violence and fear by my side I am enterring the fray. Dark nights of caliginosity and feverlike self-loathing will be beaten out of me with gloved fists. It is time to annihilate a few braincells, it's time to put down the pen and to dust my hands. This the final hurdle, the last act before becoming man - if one is able to think - than one must be able to fight. I know what is coming next, I am afraid - but this fear is my source of energy.

I want to do it - and I never want to forget that.


would you wash my clothes, once again, before I leave, so my clothes can smell like home?


I only said the things I did because I feel compassion towards you - compassion that turned to angst because you are cheating yourself. And now you are a lost cause. You are an ignorant know-it-all who knows nothing of the real world. When compassion becomes the enemy - when the blind lead the blind - there is no hope for man-kind. I honestly detest what you've become, because it makes good people fall. And for a period of time, I wasn't good enough to get back up.